


Sink

by Delia_Sky



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Injury, M/M, Mention of Suicide Attempt, Mention of blood, Unspecified Mental Illness, also i write in present tense and change to past tense whenever convenient, also this is an AU where the seven of them rent the same house, and they are either working or a college student, coming to terms with mental illness, just a headsup, sorry it might be confusing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-14 05:50:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18046709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Delia_Sky/pseuds/Delia_Sky
Summary: The pain didn't subside.It reminded him of when he was seven and bawling his eyes out because he scraped his knees, and oh, how he wished he was seven again when pain was only scraped knees and heartbreak was only unfulfilled need of potato chips after dinner.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There are no other reason for me to split this into chapters other than I'm only two-third way done, and it looks neat in chapters. (also, changing the summary cuz im undecided like that. will probably change it again, mark my word)
> 
> Enjoy, and thank you~!

His coffee has gone cold hours ago, sitting on the table too big on the living room. He doesn’t like the coffee, he bought the wrong brand and it tastes just like how he imagines concentrated sink water would taste like.

All smell and bitter and nothing to brag about.

_Just like himself, isn’t it?_

“The shower is free. Go take one.”

But it’s too much work and he is too comfortable with his legs folded against his chest and dying from lack of circulation.

“It’s been days.”

“I know.”

“I’ll buy the brand you like if you go.”

And he drags his sorry excuse of limbs to the bathroom. Just because Minhyuk promised him a box of instant coffee that doesn’t taste like sink water.

When he stands under the warm spray of water, he thinks about is the rain outside. How cold it must be. He thinks about the people taking shelter under the bus stop, about the crowded convenience stores, about the street vendors sighing from lack of costumers in the middle of rain. He thinks about that one red bean pancake vendor near his house back in Gwangju. It’s been years. He doesn’t know if they’re still in business. The pancake was good. It would’ve gone well with coffee. The good kind of coffee and not one like his last coffee, gone cold hours ago and tastes as horrible as it smells. Minhyuk’s probably tossed it away to the sink. Where it belongs along with the sink water, equally unappetizing with horrible stench.

 

 

 _Minhyuk should probably toss him away while he’s at it._ Probably has been thinking about it, too. But it doesn’t matter because he still hasn’t been thrown away while the older man isn’t getting any younger, still wasting away with him.

Still trying to coax him to get help he doesn’t need.

 

 

“Hyungwonnie? You’ve been there quite a while.”

He doesn’t answer. What he does though, is grabs the shower gel, one that Minhyuk uses, and slathers it on his whole body, scrubbing probably a little too hard not to leave his skin unmarked, but he has to get rid of the dirt, the _grimes, the stench off of himself._

Then the shampoo, even though Changkyun would laugh himself to death later because Hyungwon “Smells just like my Grandma!” It’s alright, Changkyun could use the laugh. His assignments have been piling up and poor kid doesn’t have way to relieve his stress.

Minhyuk once told him he wished Hyungwon could’ve been that kind to himself and he replied with a; “What are you talking about?” because he hadn’t been particularly cruel to himself.

It’s not like he holds a razor against his wrist or cries himself to sleep or looks at a scene of a man dying on TV and thinks to himself, “Man, wished that could’ve been me.” He doesn’t do that. He’s fine. His friends in middle school said he was, friends in high school said he was, friends in cram school too.

Sometimes when Minhyuk brings it up, he laughs and says; “What are you, my Mom?” because he sounds exactly like her when she’d comforted him after he exhausted himself to tears—or did he cried himself to exhaustion? It was a little blurry but he’s sure it was nothing big. He was just a little overwhelmed. He forgets about what though.

 

 

“Hyungwon, are still you with me?” and he knows he’s been in the shower long enough because Minhyuk knocks on the door softly, even though he never locks the door and him naked isn’t something Minhyuk has never seen.

“Uh-huh. I just finished.”

“Want me to help you dry?”

He replies with a soft hum of approval and only then Minhyuk opens the door and lets himself in with a big, fluffy towel with blue flowers on it.

“You smell just like me,” the older man giggles and it does these things to him where his stomach felt like it’s full with insects flying around. Not butterflies because insects suit him better while butterflies suit Minhyuk better.

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” he replies lazily—tiredly, but he’s not sure if he’s tired because he’s been standing in the shower or if he’s just tired of himself so maybe he’s just being lazy.

“It was.”

Even if it wasn’t, he would’ve taken it as one. Because he smells like Minhyuk and not like himself. Because he is grimes and sweat and dirt and cheap instant coffee that tastes like sink water while Minhyuk is raspberry and tea and jasmine and— _“Yah!”_

“Gotcha!”

And he laughs as Minhyuk’s fingertips brush against his ribs and his sides, lips against his neck then chest then blowing a raspberry kiss on his stomach. It tickles and it’s funny and he’s safe because it’s Minhyuk, who stops when asked and has his permission, and not some random classmates who sneaked up on him and didn’t stop even though he told them to until he fell to the floor in tears, laughter spilling from his mouth but chest tight and anxiety closing in.

“You disgust me,” he hears Changkyun says from the opened door, staring with judging eyes before closing the door to save Hyungwon’s last shred of dignity, or maybe just to save his own innocent eyes. “Do that in your own room!”

“You’re just jealous ‘cause Jooheon isn’t ticklish!” Minhyuk teases before getting back to drying him, smile lingering long enough to tempt him for a kiss. Then the older man asks; “Do you want a kiss?” as if he could read his mind.

“Yeah.”

Then they kiss, quiet and unhurried. And when they finish, Minhyuk presses their forehead together. “I love you, Hyungwon.”

He thinks about how he just survives another day in this relationship.


	2. Chapter 2

“Good morning, Hyungwonnie. I had Kihyun make you breakfast, so wake up, yeah?”

He loves sleep too much to part with the bed, but more than sleep, he loves when Minhyuk rewards him for getting up. So he does, even though getting back to his pillows are a lot more inviting than the promise of food in the morning. His eyes hurt, his feet cold, his arms numb, but he lets Minhyuk pull him up to his butt on the edge of the bed and he lets Minhyuk presses a quick peck on his lips.

“I love you,” Minhyuk sounds so sincere and so full of love. He loves the way Minhyuk says it, loves the way Minhyuk makes him feel. He loves Minhyuk.

 

 

Just like how he always has. Since years ago. Before he knew he was going to get his way. When he was just a freshman at college far away from home and the last thing he said to his mother was; “I need some time alone. You don’t need to send me off,” before finding himself having breakdown at the corner of his class over a dry pen and unfinished notes with that friendly TA comforting him and helping him breath right later that semester.

“I’ll lend you my notes, okay?” the older man said and he didn’t know if that was the moment he fell or was it much later but he always knew not to get his hopes up and that sucked but he swallowed it down anyway.

Until one day his heart just felt too big for his narrow chest, his feelings too heavy for his bones, frail from lack of sunlight and calcium because he kept forgetting to replace the sour milk sitting at the back of his fridge.

One day he snapped.

And it wasn’t pretty. His face wasn’t pretty. His hoarse voice wasn’t pretty. The only one staying pretty was Minhyuk even with his face full of hurt and confusion.

Certainly, his trip down the flight of stairs couldn’t have been pretty too. He found himself laying at the bottom of the plane, his arm ached and throbbed and he couldn’t move it. He wasn’t sure if there was blood but he was sure it hurt like hell. Could’ve sworn he heard a snap too, probably more.

And he screamed. He screamed and screamed and screamed and cried and cursed and sobbed but the pain didn’t subside. He wasn’t so sure of how ugly he must’ve looked right now with tears and snot on his face.

It reminded him of when he was seven and bawling his eyes out because he scraped his knees, and oh, how he wished he was seven again when pain was only scraped knees and heartbreak was only unfulfilled need of potato chips after dinner.

In the middle of unfamiliar voices and unfamiliar faces surrounding him, he searched for Minhyuk and he wondered if he was experiencing broken bones, heartbreak, or both at the same time then he wondered again, separately, which would hurt more. Maybe later when Minhyuk would turn him down or told him he was disgusting he would know. Now the aching and throbs were more of his concern, then the shortness of his breaths, also the darkness clawing at the edge of his vision.

Everything went in a blur, the ride to the hospital, the doctor checking his consciousness and seeking signs of concussion, the bright light. In the middle of all that, somewhere in his mind, he saw his little brother crying, just like him when he scraped his knees, difference was he made his brother cried. Because he threw a tantrum and screamed at his brother, asking their parents why he had to go and the younger didn’t. He was fifteen then, his brother was twelve and crying like when he was seven and scraped his knees falling off his bicycle.

When he woke up from both his sleep and his trance, it was morning and he was alone in hospital bed with cast on his arm. Later the doctor would tell him he managed to break his arm in three places and dislocate his shoulder. Later the nurse would tell him he had a visitor.

Later he would tell himself not to get his hopes up, but later Minhyuk would tell him; “I love you, please look at me.”

He did. Also he asked for a kiss. Minhyuk smiled then, brighter than the sun on his window, warmer than the thick beige blanket covering him. His kiss sweeter than the little pastries he brought in for Hyungwon, ones the doctor didn’t allow him to eat for until much, much later.

Then he thought about his throbbing arm and his supposed heartbreak and was glad he didn’t have to find out which hurt more nor break another arm.

 

 

He was so optimistic back then he almost didn’t recognize himself. Look at him now, preparing himself for heartbreak nearly every time Minhyuk opens his mouth even though it only ends up as an; “Here comes the train, say ‘ah’,” that earns chuckles from the other five eating with them

It’s not like Minhyuk actively shows dislike towards him. On contrary, Minhyuk has been only getting nicer to him he is getting suspicious that maybe, finally, the day is the last day and Minhyuk would finally tell him how he doesn’t love Hyungwon anymore.

 

 

It scares him. Because should the day come, he knows he won’t be able to do anything but to accept it, because he knows that’s what he deserves and he knows Minhyuk deserves better. He won’t be able to beg Minhyuk to please reconsider and talk it out with him first. He will be too tired after preparing himself for the inevitable without ever being really prepared.

 

 

“Hyungwonnie, last bite.”

He opens his mouth, already giving up on insisting he can eat by himself from long ago because he always ends up spacing out mid-eating and there are six guys who voluntarily shove foods into his mouth when he does anyway.

After breakfast, he lets Hoseok pick his clothes and Minhyuk dress him up lest he spends hours before deciding. Maybe universe is still willing to take care of him, even when he lacks the energy to do so himself. After all, he didn't actively try to find this job he currently has.

Modelling wasn’t something he thought he’d do, but then again, when an agency stopped him on the street and asked him, he said yes. Because he needed job. And coincidentally they had one for him. The night before his first gig, he was hyperventilating inside his blanket like a cocoon, already imagining thousands of ways he could mess up his job.

It went well though, and he breathed again just fine until the night before his next job his heart felt like it could burst any second then. Before long, tightness in his chest followed by lethargy becomes a routine. Unwelcomed, but routine nonetheless.

 

 

The worst part is, the agency actually praises him, says he is a natural, his look is unique, and he does amazing. He always denies them, says his thanks, and moves on.

Maybe he is just the type that does well under pressure. God, how he wishes he wasn’t though.

 

 

Minhyuk’s hand on his cheek snaps him out of it, anchoring him back to the earth. “Kihyun’s one of the photographer today, right?” Minhyuk asks, fixing some stray hair out of his eyes with long, gentle fingers.

“Yeah, he is. We’re going there together.”

“Good luck on your job.”

“Thanks, I’ll need it.”

When it’s time to leave, he walks out the door first, pretending he can’t hear Minhyuk asking Kihyun to look over him.


	3. Chapter 3

The photoshoot went well, he and Kihyun both received compliment. They went home and he passed out on the couch.

He doesn’t wake up for the next nineteen hours.


	4. Chapter 4

“The water level rises.”

“Well, it’s been raining buckets these days.”

“Hm.”

He pulls Hyungwon closer, wraps the slender waist in his arm. “Your shoulder is wet,” he reasons and a little patch of red blooms on the younger’s face.

“It is.”

They cross the bridge, huddling closer each time cold wind gusts. The yellow umbrella doesn’t do a very good job at keeping them dry, but it’s much better than running directly under the merciless downpour. The plastic bags containing their snacks are halfway filled with water and only get heavier. He complains and Hyungwon laughs and he instantly feels like they are walking in a field of sunflowers in the middle of bright summer.

 

 

Hyungwon looks best when he is smiling. Maybe that’s just him being biased, but he can’t forget that skinny student at the back of the class laughing at his poor attempt on dad jokes, sticking out like a sore thumb in the middle of the rest of the class that was either forcing out polite laugh or cringing silently. He was known for being witty—still is, and the students seemed to like him better when he made smart comments and clever clap backs, but he couldn’t find it in himself to not at least make one shitty dad jokes that only one person would laugh at since then.

Would he still fall for the one who laugh at his unfunny joke if it wasn’t Hyungwon? Maybe, maybe not. But it didn’t change the fact that Hyungwon was the one he fell for and he felt like the universe were made solely for that exact moment and place; him making a shitty attempt at joke and that one skinny student at the back of the class laughing until he almost fell off the seat.

He is glad it was Hyungwon. He isn't sure if Hyungwon was glad it was him, though.

 

 

“Minhyuk, did you forget the coffee?”

He empties the bags in the sink for convenience and quickly sorts the items. It does seems like he forgot the coffee. “I’ll treat you Starbucks!” he quickly blurts out, relieved at the sight of Hyungwon making a weird dance with a big smile of victory.

“Minhyuk-oppa, you’re the best,” the younger says, cradling his head and nuzzling into his hair.

“If you give me a kiss, I’ll treat you two cups.”

And a wet smack of lips lands on his cheek.

“If you finish dinner, I’ll treat you another one.”

“Oppa, I’ll eat at least a full bowl of rice.”

“Good.”

Then Hyungwon leaves the room with a little off-key hum, leaving him to deal with this fluttering of butterflies in the pit of his stomach alone. With Hyunwoo watching while trying not to grin. “He looks hype today,” the oldest resident says, pretending to search for his cup on the rack.

“He does. I don’t know for how long, though.”

Hyunwoo pours himself some water and helps himself on a candy bar. They both stay in the kitchen without words, Minhyuk himself isn’t so keen on moving anytime soon, but then Kihyun’s screech echoes in the hallway. “Why is the floor wet?!”

Quickly, Hyunwoo chucks the empty packaging into the trash bin and hurries him to leave the scene along. “Don’t forget too dry yourself, Minhyuk.”

“Yup. Thanks.”

On his way, he catches Kihyun furiously patting Hyungwon dry with a towel. “You too, come here!” Kihyun shouts before throwing him another towel he pulls out of nowhere. “What are you going to do if you got sick, huh?”

“Go to the doctor and drink medicine, I guess?” Hyungwon answers, his black hair a mess from Kihyun’s tough love.

‘Am I really hearing you say that?’ he nearly retorts. He notices Kihyun was about to do the same but also holds himself back. Not now, he thinks. Last time didn’t go so well, he shouldn’t try too soon. He shares and awkward glance with Kihyun, but Hyungwon doesn’t seem to notice the drop in the temperature, being too preoccupied in his own world, spacing out like there is no tomorrow.

He wishes Hyungwon would just hear him out once.


	5. Chapter 5

It’s gotten harder to convince himself he is fine lately.

And somehow, he finds himself staring into the depth of the river, casually leaning on the railing and dropping peanut shell into the water. It drifts on the surface before a ripple topples and engulfs it in second. He watches it sinks.

 

 

A little part of him wondered if he shouldn’t have stopped himself back then, when everything was great and he was as perfect as he could’ve been. He graduated, his mother cooked his favorite meals to celebrate, they showed him tickets for a trip to Paris for just the four of them, and then his brother made their father promised they’d go for barbecue once they were back in Korea.

He had so much fun at the fair, might’ve eaten too much ice cream he had a stomachache but the night view from their hotel room was just so beautiful he almost forgot he was sick. He had so much picture of the Seine, though he didn’t quite like the padlocks on the fence, but each to their own, he thought. Shame he didn't remember much. Either his memory were shit or they didn't stay that long in Paris. Probably the first.

Then when they were back, they ate their fill of meat straight after arriving. He remembered a piece of meat that was caught on fire and his father ate it so he could have a better piece. He remembered there was another piece of meat with a weird fat marbling that looked like frog, he won it from his brother with a round of rock-paper-scissor because his brother didn’t notice how he gave his hand slightly later. His mother didn’t nag him for only eating meat and forgetting the rice.

It was great.

It was as perfect as it could’ve gone.

At home, he soaked himself in a bath, with bath salts that smelled like jasmine. He lowered himself into the water and everything went still. It was tranquil. The warmth, the quiet.

Then his lungs gave up, they were burning and he couldn’t stand the pain. Also, his mother had been calling him while knocking on the bathroom door.

He resurfaced and answered his mother, slightly bitter at how painful drowning was.

 

 

When he throws another shell into the water, he hears Minhyuk calling for him. He turns and sees the older man jogs closer with a coat in his arm. Hyungwon’s coat.

“Hyungwonnie, don’t just disappear on me.”

“Sorry.”

Minhyuk pouts before putting the coat on his shoulder. “What are you doing here anyway? I thought we had a great time talking about the overpriced apples.” He laughs at that.

“Public littering.” His mouth is busy munching, his hand throws yet another peanut shell. Then he stays there, with Minhyuk by his side, watching one by one peanut shell sinking into the water, murky from the grey sky above.

“It’s gonna rain soon. Let’s go home.”

He lets Minhyuk pull him along. His hand is warm, even though the air is cold.

 

 

The only thing he could think of is how much longer Minhyuk is willing to hold his hand like this.


	6. Chapter 6

It’s mid-night and he can hear the raindrops against his windows. He can’t fall asleep and the noisy drizzle isn’t doing anything, for better or worse, although he has to admit the clattering sound as they hit the window would've be much better than _this._

He waits. Anxiously. Until the sound of the rain becomes louder than his thought, filled with incoherent buzz and overlapping whispers. It never does. He is trapped there, his phone’s battery is on two percent but his body is too heavy and his brain is too mushy.

He lays waiting until the morning comes. The sleep never comes, only Minhyuk does. With a worried face, and later a charger for his phone, dead from maybe five hours ago.

“I want to sleep, but I can't,” he says. Sleepily. High and dry without the ability to fall asleep.

“I'll stay here with you if you want. Would that help?”

“I dunno. Can you give it a shot anyway?”

Then Minhyuk stays, hand on his hair, then cheek, then lips. “I love you, Hyungwon,” Minhyuk says, “I’m right here, baby,” he whispers, but despite that, when he finally does fall into slumber, it is entirely from exhaustion.

Drifting in the weird place between his conscious and subconscious, he wonders when was it that Minhyuk’s sweet nothings started to feel inadequate. He was doing just fine believing Minhyuk’s words before.

 

_Maybe today is finally the day. He feels a little something that is not quite liberation, but he'll take what he can._


	7. Chapter 7

The next moment he is awaked, it’s five in the morning and Minhyuk is sleeping by his side. He wants to touch the fluttering eyelashes, but he makes do with watching until he decides this can’t wait any longer.

He shakes the man awake, earning him a disgruntled groan and a yawn. He doesn’t like being awaked and makes it his code not to wake others up and this will be the first and last time he does.

“Hyungwon… what is it?”

“Minhyuk, let’s go on a date.”

There is a moment of silence, filled only with confused blinks from the pair of eyes that hold all the secrets of the universe. “A date?”

“Yeah.”

The bright smile and excited squeal from Minhyuk almost put rest to all the fuzz in his head. Almost.

 

 

 _Star shines brightest before it dies_ and the same can be applied to love. If there was any at all in the first place. He has hard time believing it was none other than pity that lands him and Minhyuk in this situation.

Who wouldn’t pity a screaming college student, stressed beyond relieved with too much caffeine and more MSG than magnesium in his blood? Especially if said student was screaming something along the lines of; “Please, I’m sorry, I love you, I’ll… I’ll get, I’ll get over it… just give me, give time, please, stay away!” and later fell down the stairs and managed to break his arm in three different places.

 

 

“Do you have a place in mind already? Should, should we wear matching clothes? Is asking Kihyun to pack us lunch a wise move? Aaah, probably not but—”

“Amusement park.”

“Yes?”

“Let’s go to amusement park.”

Warm hand lands on his cheek, followed by a quick peck against his lips. “Amusement park it is then.”

Then Minhyuk gets himself ready, waking the whole house in the process with his giddy squeal of “I’m going on a date! That’s right, Jooheonnie, not you and Kkukkung, it’s me! Ouch! What was that for?!”

A while later, puffy eyed Hoseok comes into the corner of his vision, and he feels bad for not waiting at least until it’s a reasonable time to wake Minhyuk up. “What’s the occasion?” the blond asks, vitamin bottles in hand.

“Nothing. I just feel like it.”

Hoseok pats his head. His hand gives off a different kind of coziness from Minhyuk, but he likes it and he leans into the touch. “Have fun, you two. I’ll pick your clothes in a while, yeah?”

“Thanks.”

By the time they’re ready, Minhyuk still whines about not getting to wear matching shirts because they’re in the wash, but Jooheon puts candy bars on their hands, one on each, and says, “There, matching snacks. Stop whining and swish him up his feet already.”

* * *

 

Somehow, somewhere, probably beyond universe, there is a giggly man with white beard who thinks it would be funny to trip him over his own foot and make him fall flat on his face with an ungraceful; “Ack!”

There might be more than one, but yeah. Anyway, his ankle hurts and they haven’t even ride their merry-go-round. The spilled ice cream on the pavement melts pathetically.

“Are you okay?”

“I twisted my ankle. I think.”

And so, they end up sitting on a bench when they could’ve been on their sixth ride. “Let’s go home, Hyungwonnie. It looks like there’s gonna be rainstorm, too.”

“The Ferris wheel.”

“Hm?”

“Let’s go home after the Ferris wheel. Please?”

They don’t have to stand I queue for long as the park isn’t crowded. Good, because the pain in his ankle is slowly killing him.

“You know, I was planning on riding until it was dark and got on Ferris wheel last.” The candy bar Jooheon gave him is a sticky mess, but he eats it anyway.

“Why is that?”

“It seems proper. You go on exciting rides, scary ones, fast ones, then at the very end, you ride the Ferris wheel and ponder about your day. Changkyun told me that.”

Minhyuk laughs, like sunshine in a cloudy sky. “Yeah, that seems proper. Next time then? When it’s not constantly raining buckets. Or, we can save up and go to that river you like in Paris! Anyway, next time. There’s always next time.”

“Next time… that would be nice.”

 

 

 _This is as perfect as it could go and from here it’s only one way down._ But the promise of ‘next time’ seems nice. It almost feels like Minhyuk really does love him.

 

 

The moment is perfect, even with his foot dying, the impending rain, and the fuzz in his head. He is perfect now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is proving to be longer than i expected.


	8. Chapter 8

And comes the rainstorm, in the middle of the night while the six others are sleeping and he is the only one wide awake to witness the menace that are rain and thunder. He hopes Changkyun sleeps wearing his noise cancelling headphone. Wouldn’t want anyone to ruin his plan after all.

Beside him, Minhyuk once again occupies the spot. He kisses the man once, twice, four times. He wouldn’t miss anything if he isn’t alive to miss things in the first place. He laughs at his joke. Memes are very advanced these days and most align perfectly with his sense of humor.

And so, he steps out into the wet, dark world outside. To the bridge because why not. This is a half-assed plan made by half-assed Hyungwon and the only thing not half-assed about him right now is the throbbing pain on his ankle.

On his way, he passes a clinic and scoffs. There was a time, wasn’t it, when he wanted to be a doctor? When he was eight, and bright, and wanted to save everyone.

Now he is twenty four, and burned out, and doesn’t even have it in his heart to save himself.

 

 

 _Not even when others try to save him._ Although, were they really trying to save him? His mind goes back years ago. When his parents wanted him to go see a doctor. A special kind of a doctor.

“I’m not sick! I’m not! Why do I have to go and he doesn’t?!” he screamed back then. On the end of his finger, his brother was crying. In front of him, his parents are trying to calm him down.

“Because you need this, baby, please, listen to Mom—”

“I’m not crazy!”

“Hyungwon!” He flinched. His father didn’t shout. Not unless he was losing his temper. Which he apparently was.

“I… I… I don’t want… I don’t, to go, I don’t want it…”

Then he himself was crying. The whole room fell into silence other than him and his brother crying, sobbing, and snorting snot back into their stuffy nose for two different reason.

And the same thing happened when Minhyuk asked him to go. And his whole world was against him.

He thinks he is fine. His friends in middle school said so, the ones in high school said so, his teachers brushed it off as puberty and later a phase.

At this point, he doesn’t know who to listen, and frankly, it doesn’t matter anymore.

 

 

The bridge comes into his view sooner than he thinks and the pain in his foot doesn’t stop him, only slows him down. Under the bridge, water flows in flurry, sweeping everything away. Somehow, it reminds him of the Seine. Of one happy place he keeps dear in his heart.

He makes a calculation. If he is lucky, he would hit his head and lost consciousness long enough not to feel the suffocation. If he is not… so be it.

He props himself up, his good leg on the ledge.

 

_This is it._

The thunder cracks and in the midst of everything that’s going on, he thinks of Minhyuk and his voice screaming; “Hyungwon!”


	9. Chapter 9

“He’s gone!”

Minhyuk feels himself being rocked back and forth until he cracks open his eyes. Changkyun is in front of him, looking like a lost child. “He’s gone! I heard the door opened and Hyungwon is gone!”

His need for sleep goes straight out the window at that. He grabs whatever article of clothing closest to him for extra warmth and slips into whatever footwear laying on the porch. He runs into the wet, dark world outside, his hair a mess, his stomach churning, his mind screaming loudly the name of that _one skinny boy sitting at the back of the class, toppling over his seat laughing at silly dad jokes._

He begs to the gods, to the universe, to the devils, or to anything listening for him not to be too late. Where should he go? He has no clue, but there is a voice in his mind that keeps reminding him about sinking peanut shell and he is willing to take the bet to go straight towards the bridge that feels somehow thousands of miles farther that it actually is and halle-fucking-lujah, fuck geometry, God is real, even though the rain drenches him to his bones and the drops hit his face like fucking bullets, he sees Hyungwon’s sorry figure on the ledge of the bridge.

Above, he sees lights charging followed by rumbling sound, and just in time, 

Thunder cracks, the blinding light before the sound. He closes his eyes, but manage to scream, “Hyungwon!”

The thunder passes in a flash, of fucking course, and Minhyuk sees no one. “Fuck, no… no, no, no, please, no, Hyungwon!”

He only breathes again when he sees Hyungwon, hugging his leg with his back against the rail. “Minhyuk…”

“Oh, God… Hyungwonnie.” Minhyuk falls onto his knees, his legs feels like jelly and he reaches Hyungwon by crawling. Then he hugs Hyungwon close, pressing the younger’s head to his chest.

“It should’ve been perfect…” Hyungwon groans.

“What is?”

“Today’s been perfect. I can’t let it go downhill from here.”

“But you stopped. Thank God, you stopped.”

“I heard you calling me. I’m sorry… Minhyuk… Minhyuk, please stop this… it’s okay, you don’t have to stay…”

If there’s anything he wants to do right now it’s to go get Kihyun here to flick Hyungwon’s head. “Baby, hey, you wanna tell me what’s wrong?”

“Everything!” comes out as a hiss. “Everything is wrong! I am wrong! It should’ve been enough but maybe, just… I’m—like, maybe I get, get a little, Minhyuk, I get too greedy and it’s just not enough anymore!”

“What is not enough?”

“I felt better every time you said you love me, but then it’s not and I don’t know how long you’re going to feel sorry for me to keep saying that so I thought… I thought it’s better…”

“Oh, Hyungwon, of course it’s not enough. I love you, but I’m no medicine.” The nickname his colleague gives him, Vitamin, rings in his mind for a bit though, but that's not important. What's important now it to get this shivering mess of a man back into the safety of their home. “Come on, let’s go home first, it’s cold here.”


	10. Chapter 10

He wants to shrink until he’s gone from Kihyun’s disapproving eyes. Kihyun, the drenched man in hamster onesie pajama, stares at him with eyes sharp enough to bore a hole. The only one dry is Hoseok and he wishes he was Hoseok right now. Dry and not under Kihyun’s stare.

“This is not how I raised you, boy.”

“Sorry…”

Kihyun mellows out at that. “Go under warm water. All of you, hurry.”

They all scramble into the three bathroom in pairs, including dry Hoseok because he doesn’t want to be left behind. It was lonely enough that Kihyun forbade him from joining the search lest he gets sick again.

Inside the room, just the two of them, skin to skin and face to face, Minhyuk breaks the silence first. “Hyungwon, you need help. Please?”

At this point, he doesn’t know if he has the right to retort, but he does anyway, subtly. “Why do you care anyway? You don’t have to put me down gently, you know.”

“Well, someone’s gotta make up for all the love you don’t give yourself. Also, I’m not putting you gently, Hyungwonnie. I love you.”

He gives up on that. So it seems Minhyuk does love him, but for what? He is reminded of that coffee that taste like sink water. Exactly like him. No one deserve to drink coffee that bad. Minhyuk deserves better. Not someone like him who is all bitter, sweat, and grime. “I don’t deserve it, then.”

Minhyuk’s exasperated groan snaps him out of it. “Let’s do this then, you get a therapy, we’ll wait until you get better, then we’ll have that date. Or we can just have trip with seven of us if you want to get rowdy.”

It’s tiring. He’s spent half his life fighting demons and he’s finding that he wasn’t fighting demons but himself. And Minhyuk is telling him there’s a way out, just like his parents did. But what if there isn’t? “So, assume I’ll humor you. What’d happen…?”

“Hmm?”

“If I get better and I love myself—as you put it—what’d happen after, then? You’ll stop loving me because I have myself, right?”

“God, no, of course not, dummy.” Minhyuk pulls him close into his arms. It feels safe. “I will love you all the same, only this time, you will know you deserve it.”

And he stares into Minhyuk eyes, the eyes that look like they hold all the secrets in the universe. “What?” he croaks, voice trembling from the cold—he knows it’s from tears, but he doesn’t want to admit that.

“I will love you all the same and you will know you deserve it.”

If it sounds like a promise then maybe because it is.

Against his initial inclination towards rejecting the idea of ever getting better, he finds himself muttering a weak; “Alright,” because maybe surviving two drowning attempt was enough of a sign. Maybe Minhyuk is a sign. Maybe living with six guys who are always at the ready to shower him with care is a sign. This time he can't deny his tears, flowing freely along with the water from above.

“Promise?”

Minhyuk holds out his pinky finger, long and slender and is the key to his universe. When he takes it, it feels like love.

“Promise.”

“Also, call you parents. I feel bad they only got to know how you're doing through me.”

He now realizes the reason his parents are able to leave him alone despite being the worrywarts they are. But maybe, he is missing them a little. “Okay, first thing after shower.”

The idea of finally talking to his family again after years and the impending doom that is Kihyun's tough love in the form of nagging while serving them warm soup bring a smile to his face.

 

 

He is taking a step forward. He feels liberated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally, thank you for sticking with me this far. i am now a proud owner of one finished fic. im sorry if the end feels rushed, i dont know what happened. my next one is gonna be jooheon/hyungwon, so if you're into that, tune in. lol
> 
> Thank you!


End file.
